tick, tick, tick, BOOM!

Every now and then I have an incredible burst of emotion at what a difficult time this has been for me. Usually something small and insignifican sets me off and then it's a spiral of anxiety and anger and despair.

I'm not sure if the Reiki has anything to do with it as I have read of a 'Healing Crisis' where everything comes out. I suppose it's a good thing to let all that anger out, as scary as it may be, it allows me to move on.

Do this, do that, take this pill, take that pill, eat this, don't eat that, have a scan, results day, think like this, smile more, be more kind, relax, don't let things get you down, think positive, you might be ill, you are ill, i found a lump, have some chemo, have stem cell therapy, avoid chemo it poisons the body, clean the liver, flush the kidneys, change your attitude, meditate, do some Reiki, trace meridians, balance chakras, don't say that, pray, what you reap is what you sow, karma, love yourself, love others, feeling better?

All this conflicting information builds up and sometimes it gets so difficult to know what to believe. Sometimes I wish I didn't have the 'alternative' healing beliefs and just blindly give myself over to the doctors and say 'fix me'. I can't do that, and it's not easy being the odd ball when it comes to health. It is the one thing you can't buy your way out of, the one thing that there is no hard and fast answer to. The one thing you can't escape no matter where you go on the planet - it's always with you. I guess the only true way out is to die, but I don't want to do that. And besides, I believe, that if I don't face my issues in this life I'll only have to deal with them in a future life. You can't escape what you have to learn as a person, as a soul, as an everlasting being. It's these thoughts that allow me to get out of my depressive angry state and say 'right, lets get on with it then'. But I do think it's healthy to explode with anger sometimes and get it all out.

I didn't know I was feeling that way until it happened, and therefore it would be difficult to get counselling because I wouldn't feel comfortable having an outburst like that in front of anyone that I didn't trust and love implicitly, and also, I can't really describe fully how I felt. It's a 'in the moment' thing, and like a dream afterwards I can't fully recall what it was all about.

How does Bob Marley like his donuts? Wi' Jammin.