tick, tick, tick, BOOM!

Every now and then I have an incredible burst of emotion at what a difficult time this has been for me. Usually something small and insignifican sets me off and then it's a spiral of anxiety and anger and despair.

I'm not sure if the Reiki has anything to do with it as I have read of a 'Healing Crisis' where everything comes out. I suppose it's a good thing to let all that anger out, as scary as it may be, it allows me to move on.

Do this, do that, take this pill, take that pill, eat this, don't eat that, have a scan, results day, think like this, smile more, be more kind, relax, don't let things get you down, think positive, you might be ill, you are ill, i found a lump, have some chemo, have stem cell therapy, avoid chemo it poisons the body, clean the liver, flush the kidneys, change your attitude, meditate, do some Reiki, trace meridians, balance chakras, don't say that, pray, what you reap is what you sow, karma, love yourself, love others, feeling better?

All this conflicting information builds up and sometimes it gets so difficult to know what to believe. Sometimes I wish I didn't have the 'alternative' healing beliefs and just blindly give myself over to the doctors and say 'fix me'. I can't do that, and it's not easy being the odd ball when it comes to health. It is the one thing you can't buy your way out of, the one thing that there is no hard and fast answer to. The one thing you can't escape no matter where you go on the planet - it's always with you. I guess the only true way out is to die, but I don't want to do that. And besides, I believe, that if I don't face my issues in this life I'll only have to deal with them in a future life. You can't escape what you have to learn as a person, as a soul, as an everlasting being. It's these thoughts that allow me to get out of my depressive angry state and say 'right, lets get on with it then'. But I do think it's healthy to explode with anger sometimes and get it all out.

I didn't know I was feeling that way until it happened, and therefore it would be difficult to get counselling because I wouldn't feel comfortable having an outburst like that in front of anyone that I didn't trust and love implicitly, and also, I can't really describe fully how I felt. It's a 'in the moment' thing, and like a dream afterwards I can't fully recall what it was all about.

How does Bob Marley like his donuts? Wi' Jammin.

Reiki me.

I am slowly getting over this shingles. I still get tired a lot, have random pains and enjoy a good scratching session daily but it's getting there.

Last night and tonight I am doing a Reiki course, this will give me Reiki I and allow me to heal myself as well as friends and family. The main reason that I've done is that throughout this cancer experience I have become a much more spiritual person. I feel that Reiki is a good was of begining in a 'healing' field allowing me to develop my own way of channeling positive energy.

The other reason I have done is because I need to get out of this terrible habit I have got myself into. A downward spiral of fear whenever I feel anything remotely out of the ordinary on my body. I get myself into extremely paranoid upset states and I become totally illogical, convinced that the cancer is back. It is a terrible situation to be in and I refuse to let my life be governed by fear. It is not pleasant for me and it's not pleasant for those around me. Having learned Reiki, when I find anything unusual, instead of constantly poking at the area, inflamming it, and creating negative thought patterns which over time can and will become real, I can heal myself, calm myself and channel positive energy to the area. Over time I will be able to get out of this negativity and lead a normal life, without the fear of cancer creeping up on me.

That's the theory anyway, and with the ammount I've read about quantum physics, mechanics, spirituality, eastern medicine, western medicine, and dealing with a life threatening disease, I think it makes a whole lot of sense.

wrap up warm.

I had my checkup yesterday and it was better than I thought, in terms of chemo pressure anyway. I was checked in the lump regions and something was spotted under my right arm, and in my neck. Under my arm I knew about - the difference this time is that it is quite sore, whereas cancer lumps are usually painless. All my other symptoms can be attributed to the shingles, which are dragging out. I feel run down all the time, like I have flu. I could really do with lying on a beach under the hot sun somewhere instead of having to constantly keep myself warm in this rainy and grey and damp and cold time of year.

I am booked in for a CT scan 5 weeks from now. That gives the shingles time to clear up and will allow an accurate representation of what is really going on. December the 14th will tell me if I'm having a good Christmas or an extremely crappy one. I live in hope, but at the moment I feel so physically and emotionally run down. I think my mood will improve as my shingles does. I hope so anyway, people must be getting really pissed off with my bad attitude...

would you like an immune system destruction with that?

I have an appointment this afternoon at the hospital. I'm not looking forward to it in the slightest. I have a lot of respect for the doctors and for what they do but I don't think they have looked into my case satisfactorily. Ever since that last scan where they said 'It looks like it's back - let's destroy your immune system' I have been very worried. I have been happy, and have had a lot of fun but that constant pressure and stress has not been good for me. I think that the shingles was partly a build up of stress. Sometimes I wish I could just leave my body, and all the pressures placed upon it and me, for a while. I'm going today for a blood test. I know that they will try and persuade me to have chemo and that is the part I just can't be bothered with. I place far more trust in my radionic doctor and my chinese doctor. We shall see...

shiver me shingles.

Getting over this shingles is taking some time. The rash is clearing up very well, but now I am covered in scabs and every time I move I get a lot of pain as the large scab-sheeting cracks. But this goes deeper, apart from the rash it has also meant I have been very tired for the past 2 weeks. I feel tired and often go for a little nap. Hopefully I'll get over this as soon as...