from zero to heaven in seven.

It seems my lack of total commitment to positive thinking has helped me overcome the news of my next involuntary hurdle. I am soon to be graced with 3 months of pin-cushion hell as I undertake 2 more ESHAP sessions followed by a BEAM with Stem Cell Transplant. Oh the joys of life.

In other news, it does mean I can (hopefully) go and see the Slackers in Sheffield and Samiam in Leeds, but will miss Rancid.

waiting...

Yesterday I had a CT scan. Today I will get the results. I haven't had a nightsweat for weeks now. If it wasn't for the petit pois size I lumps under my right arm I would not be feeling like this. I don't know how to feel. I don't want to feel posisitve because I don't want my hopes dashed.

I had totally resigned myself to the fact that I needed more treatment but since I've had no more symptoms...

I guess I'll find out in about 9 hours.

why oh why oh why oh why!

I found a couple of small lumps under my arm. So I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I gotta go into hospital and have a stem cell transplant. I'm pretty annoyed about it but the thing that drives me insane is this:

My favourite band of all time (along with Sublime) are the Slackers. They are ska band from New York. They are just incredible. Check out The Slackers Website. Many moons ago when I played saxophone in a band called Lubby Nugget we had a support slot with them in Cardiff. We didn't play the show because the band was going through some difficult times and the guitarist decided he wasn't playing it. Earlier this year I had tickets to go and see them in London. I couldn't go because of treatment. I still have the tickets and use them as a bookmark. Now I've seen they are playing in Sheffield on October the 1st. Even if everything happens on the dates I expect I will be only just out of hospital on this date. This is no time to go to a crowdy, sweaty, gig with low immunity.

F U C K !

calm down

I went to see a healer yesterday who made me feel a whole lot better. Then I went to the hospital. My bloods were fine. They checked for lumps and couldn't find any. I will be having a CT scan next week. Here's hoping...

just when I thought it was safe to go back in the water.

Just a week ago I was wondering where this blog was going to go now that I was better. It can now continue right where it left off. For the past three nights I have had nightsweats and I am pretty sure that the cancer is back.

I am going to go to the hospital today and give them the news and then I'm guessing I will be straight in for the stem cell transplant; the very thing I decided not to have just 3 months ago. Dr. Johnson advised me strongly to go for it and I didn't. He said that after this there was no protocol since it would be such a development in the cancer. As we already have the stem cells he stated that we would most likely go with the SCT and hope for the best.

I'm not sure how I feel. Until I go to the hospital and speak to them about it and have some sort of regime determined it feels like a dream, a bad one. I just feel numb.

don't fall, you might fly.

I guess all you folks will be right on the edge of your seat waiting for my next blog entry, well move back onto your seat in an upright manner because I am here to satisfy your desires.

The news is this. My mouth ulcers and general soreness is gone. I can once again enjopy a large helping of Tabasco on my palate. The crazy spot appearances on my hands, ends of toes, a few up my arms, no longer hurt and are starting to dissapear also. I just need to shed more skin. It takes longer to get over this than I imagined.

I still have the occasional paranoia sequence but I am a happy chappy.

I guess this blog will somewhat be coming to an end. I will keep you updated on my cancer related progress...however. A friend and I have started another blog called Brainilack. It's not big, it's not clever, and it does contain banned language. So don't read it.