from zero to heaven in seven.

It seems my lack of total commitment to positive thinking has helped me overcome the news of my next involuntary hurdle. I am soon to be graced with 3 months of pin-cushion hell as I undertake 2 more ESHAP sessions followed by a BEAM with Stem Cell Transplant. Oh the joys of life.

In other news, it does mean I can (hopefully) go and see the Slackers in Sheffield and Samiam in Leeds, but will miss Rancid.

waiting...

Yesterday I had a CT scan. Today I will get the results. I haven't had a nightsweat for weeks now. If it wasn't for the petit pois size I lumps under my right arm I would not be feeling like this. I don't know how to feel. I don't want to feel posisitve because I don't want my hopes dashed.

I had totally resigned myself to the fact that I needed more treatment but since I've had no more symptoms...

I guess I'll find out in about 9 hours.

why oh why oh why oh why!

I found a couple of small lumps under my arm. So I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I gotta go into hospital and have a stem cell transplant. I'm pretty annoyed about it but the thing that drives me insane is this:

My favourite band of all time (along with Sublime) are the Slackers. They are ska band from New York. They are just incredible. Check out The Slackers Website. Many moons ago when I played saxophone in a band called Lubby Nugget we had a support slot with them in Cardiff. We didn't play the show because the band was going through some difficult times and the guitarist decided he wasn't playing it. Earlier this year I had tickets to go and see them in London. I couldn't go because of treatment. I still have the tickets and use them as a bookmark. Now I've seen they are playing in Sheffield on October the 1st. Even if everything happens on the dates I expect I will be only just out of hospital on this date. This is no time to go to a crowdy, sweaty, gig with low immunity.

F U C K !

calm down

I went to see a healer yesterday who made me feel a whole lot better. Then I went to the hospital. My bloods were fine. They checked for lumps and couldn't find any. I will be having a CT scan next week. Here's hoping...

just when I thought it was safe to go back in the water.

Just a week ago I was wondering where this blog was going to go now that I was better. It can now continue right where it left off. For the past three nights I have had nightsweats and I am pretty sure that the cancer is back.

I am going to go to the hospital today and give them the news and then I'm guessing I will be straight in for the stem cell transplant; the very thing I decided not to have just 3 months ago. Dr. Johnson advised me strongly to go for it and I didn't. He said that after this there was no protocol since it would be such a development in the cancer. As we already have the stem cells he stated that we would most likely go with the SCT and hope for the best.

I'm not sure how I feel. Until I go to the hospital and speak to them about it and have some sort of regime determined it feels like a dream, a bad one. I just feel numb.

don't fall, you might fly.

I guess all you folks will be right on the edge of your seat waiting for my next blog entry, well move back onto your seat in an upright manner because I am here to satisfy your desires.

The news is this. My mouth ulcers and general soreness is gone. I can once again enjopy a large helping of Tabasco on my palate. The crazy spot appearances on my hands, ends of toes, a few up my arms, no longer hurt and are starting to dissapear also. I just need to shed more skin. It takes longer to get over this than I imagined.

I still have the occasional paranoia sequence but I am a happy chappy.

I guess this blog will somewhat be coming to an end. I will keep you updated on my cancer related progress...however. A friend and I have started another blog called Brainilack. It's not big, it's not clever, and it does contain banned language. So don't read it.

and they will come out through your skin...

I seem to be having similar skin issues as when I first had chemo therapy, even though it is now a good 2 months since my last fill-up. It was said that the drugs take up to a year to get out of your system so I guess mine are coming out and causing a few unwanted side effects. I've had plenty of spots, mouth ulcers, random achy pains, and other type lumps.

I know that they are not cancer symptoms, but it is still very difficult to get those cancer thoughts out of your head. After the last cancer, about 4 years ago, it took a good 6 months before I left behind my incredible sickening paranoia at any slight bump under the skin. The worry made me sick in itself. I am determined not to let that happen this time but it is still a scary, yet happy, time.

I saw monkeys

What an excellent month this has been. First of all I refused medical intervention and as a reward I went to Malaga for 2 weeks on my own. This was highly enjoyable. I took off my watch, ate when I wanted, slept when I wanted, did anything I wanted. It was great. Met some cool people, too...

Then I came home for four days to glorious CO2 induced British summer, then once again to Spain. This time with my girlfriend, Imelda, and good friends Ali and Gareth. A day in Valencia, a night in Barcelona, and 5 days of pool lounging and sea swimming.

Today I had a checkup at the hospital and it all went great. No problems here.

It is really hard to get out of the routine of being ill. Without a never ending schedule of blood tests, chemo-therapy, scan here, scan there, it's difficult to know what is happening. Now that it is happening I am going to do my best to start all the things I promised myself I would do once it was all over with. Mostly this is doing what I want to do, not what others want me to do. I will also be having a lot of fun.

hospital or Spain? Both options are grey.

I have decided not to have the stem cell transplant. I have let the hospital know and I will have my Groshong line removed on Friday. That makes it pretty final. There are some worries, as always, but I am feeling very confident. The fact that the scan was comepletely clear very much influenced this decision and also makes a lot easier to tell people it's all over without going into detail about not having SCT - I think they just pressume it's no longer required by the hospital. I'm certainly not going to worry them with the ins and outs of it all.

My homeopathy has started, which isn't so many pills as I had imagined. I have also just booked a trip to Spain. On my own for 2 weeks so I can eat, think, read, and walk health. If that doesn't focus me I don't know what will. There'll be nothing else to do but focus!

Even if it doesn't work out this time my stem cells are banked and ready to go; but that's not going to happen.

On a lighter note, my hair has started to grow back and checking myself out in the mirror today I noticed two grey hairs. I was hoping they would not return, but alas it seems they have; well, I am nearing my thirties!

Re: mission

Yesterday I had the results of my CT scan and it was good, I quote,

"The chemotherapy couldn't have gone any better".

There were no signs of tumours anywhere. So what does this mean? Well, they still want to go ahead with stem cell therapy to make sure that any remaing cells, too small to be picked up by CT, are killed off. The statistics show that this then gives you a 50/50 chance of not developing cancer again. Along with associated future problems of the BEAM chemo that they give you just before returning the stem cells to you. These include heart, lung, bone, liver, kidney etc. problems. None of these are life threatening problems and there is only a small risk of developing them, but the risk is there.

So, not really sure what to do with this one. I am now leaning toward not having the SCT. But that doesn't mean I will get back to normal life, no. If I don't have it I will be spending that month doing a combination of Gerson therapy, homeopathic, and spiritual 'medicine' to kill off any remaining cancer cells. Giving my body a complete clear out by eating highly nutritional foods and continuing to develop myself spiritually to be a more balanced person. I can hardly believe I'm being so frank about it here since many people will be thinking I'm stupid for taking the risk...again. However, I have been and am going on a life changing journey that, unless you've been through this, you couldn't understand. And even people that have gone through something like this maybe would not understand since the journey is different for everyone. Cancer changes you. I believe it has taught me some very serious lessons and taken me on a new direction in life. I am not the same person I was and in a way I am pleased that this has happened. No, I'm not happy with all the injections, treatments, pain, and mental anguish; but I am happy with who I've become because of it.

I have a lot of thinking to do this weekend. I'm glad the sun is shining.